Vulnerable Strength


Last time I wrote I held back very little, and the waves of impact were immediate and unmistakable.  Although I knew it would affect someone, I don’t think I was expecting the enormous rippling that followed. I’m reminded of the power held in words that in turn give me power. Everyone for the most part has been very supportive and kind. Of course it has not been easy, without community this would certainly be impossible. I’ve been caught in a whirlwind of activity and thoughts that I did not dare attempt to cultivate in a cohesive sentence. All that is  consistent is change, but my mind does not always catch up right away.

My mom is making progress despite her unhappiness. That is a prayer answered after a long bloody battle. I had almost given up all hope of her ever reaching forward, but I felt in my soul that I should wait for her anyway. I have to trust that God will continue to work in her and hope and pray that she will continue to listen. She has no idea of her potential, and even those who try to reassure her do not know what she could be if God were allowed to do His best. She has made a point to tell me that it was not her wish to abort me. She was hopeful when I was born because she was no longer alone.

As far as the situation with my dad, I don’t know much more than before. I heard he was just moved from prison to a White Deer Run somewhere a couple hours away from here. Although I want and pray for him to recover I  want him to do it far away from me and my family. I want him to find happiness but I do not wish for him to be part of my life. At this point I’m sure that is best, but maybe sometime in the future that will be challenged.

I feel that all events and themes in my life have lead to a finding of identity and even the most painful events have lead  to a point of understanding and an unveiling of truth. As I grow more confident in my identity pain does not stop but I am more endurant. Because of my constant circumstances my ‘comfort zone’ as it’s referred to has been completely destroyed. With the choice to stay in safety gone all that is left is forward or backward. Although terrible things have been done to me and I feel everything I’ve become bored with it. Sometime in the past few months I’ve reached a point where I can feel all things at the same time; pain, happiness, anger, love, whatever else, and retain clarity of mind. Somehow that’s lead to a very even current ready to disperse power anywhere that is needed. It’s hard to get me to lose it because I’m already there. Like Bruce Banner says in The Avengers about how he keeps from losing control and turning into the hulk, “That’s my secret Captain… I’m always angry.”

I mentioned last time that I do not like being pitied. It’s important enough to mention again. I hate pity. Anyone who pities me does not understand me. I need to be loved, challenged, and treated as an equal. Connection. There is no need to tread carefully with me because there is very little I cannot handle. As long as you’re respectful there’s no need to filter your speech and change your behavior when I am near. What you say does not hurt me nearly as much as what you do not.  My tolerance has not been weakened by my experiences but strengthened.  Please do not feel the need to treat me as an infant. I know that God uses me and will continue to use me to reach His children. How many tell me they’ve been touched by my story? How many set me as an example? More than I know. I have a responsibility as I’m watched closely. People want to see what I’ll do, say, and choose. I have a platform set for me that God can use for His benefit, which is the benefit of His people. Because of who I am and what I’ve done people listen. I have been given a voice. How is there pity in that?

Many people rectify their pity by confusing it with compassion. The two words are very similar, but distinctly different.

pity :

: a strong feeling of sadness or sympathy for someone or something

: something that causes sadness or disappointment

com·pas·sion :

: sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it

With compassion there is action and hope. Compassion has a heart to serve where with pity there isn’t necessarily one.

In the same way God has compassion on us. He wants to be intimate with us because we were created for His love. He does not look down on us but desires us. He first makes himself vulnerable so that we can go to Him. He shares himself with us because He loves us. His heart is the fabric of the universe and so this remains true in everything; there is great power in love.

What does it mean to live as Christ did? Do we realize that he was not always loved and treated well by mankind? He was hated and tortured but his heart was for the eternal; his Father, and our salvation. If we are to live as Jesus did we will suffer. Jesus suffered, but did he deserve pity? Did that make him weak?

Luke 22:44

44 He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.

He did not deny his pain and put on a happy face, but he was in constant prayer. He felt everything but did not succumb to it.  With the weight of the world on his shoulders and even God against him he carried on in anguish because his love is so great. In his vulnerability is the strength that saved the world.

1 John 3:1

‘How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.’


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